What Did Kathy Learn

Yall asked for it, yall got it, the collection of What Did Kathy Learn

Wal Mart Air Life - Kathy has grown to enjoy some of the finer things in life, like complimentary first-class upgrades courtesy of a Delta Sky Miles credit card. With first-class seats come free drinks, big seats, and large TV screens. But sometimes, it makes more sense to take a direct flight when it's less expensive and quicker on what Kathy calls “The Wal-Mart of the Sky,” aka Southwest Airlines. Good old Southwest gets you where you are going but doesn’t have TVs, USB plugs, or complimentary earphones like the free upgrades do with Delta First Class. So that leads to experiments with technology for Kathy, trying to get her Bluetooth earbuds working with her phone in airplane mode trying to connect to the “bush-league” in-flight Wi-Fi, and getting a movie to watch on her screen. Sometimes, the earbuds don’t connect right away or even at all. Sometimes it’s tough to get the volume right in your ear on a loud plane. Sometimes when you think you can hear a little bit through your earbuds and spend a lot of time smashing every button trying to get the volume up and looking and gesturing to your travel companions with strange facial features that you feel like this is all a bunch of bullshit. Sometimes you can do all that and still can’t hear the movie. Well, you can’t hear it, but everyone else on the plane, including the Pilot can, because they don’t have your earbuds in that aren’t connected to anything, and your phone is blaring Love Actually to everyone on the plane while you continue to smash your phone settings button with your index finger. The moral of the story is to make sure you turn your Bluetooth feature back on after setting the phone to airplane mode.

Know What You Know - Sometimes, you know what you know, and sometimes, when you think you know, you say something you don’t know, and it gets you in the newsletter. At the Bengals game, Kathy started to say something to me, then caught herself and said no way, I’m not saying that. Later in the evening, after a few beverages, Kathy decided to explain to me how smart she was by not saying something that got her in another newsletter article. I believe it was something to the effect of “See, I’m getting really good at not saying dumb stuff. I was going to ask how we were playing squares on a Monday night game when all the other NFL teams already played, but then realized we weren’t doing squares because you can’t do it because all the games already were played. I’m glad I caught myself before saying something dumb. So suck it, you got nothing” Here’s the problem, with Kathy being so cocksure. #1 – Nothing she said was right. #2 The squares game was in fact being played and the squares board was located on the picnic table where it has been every game at the Cat Box for the last 10 years. #3 – The squares game is played using scores of just the two teams playing a football game (Jaguars and Bengals that night) matching the last numbers of the score of each team at the end of each quarter. It has nothing to do with any other team or game other than the one being played that day, just as it has every game at the Cat Box for the past 10 years. Remember, it’s important to use what you learn.

Pumpqueen - To quote Stanley Hudson from The Office "I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, driving my daughter to a school that's too expensive and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on pretzel day, well, I like pretzel day”. For Kathy, Pretzel Day is Pumpkinpalooza at Engine 15. Once a year, Engine 15 holds their infamous Pumpkinpalooza, where at precisely 5:30 pm on one specific Friday, they tap kegs on several Pumpkin-infused beers. (On a side note, I am pretty sure pumpkins are the fruit of the devil as they are one of the most disgusting things on the face of the earth. There’s nothing worse than putting your hand inside a pumpkin and the stringy mucus that migrates and integrates itself into the human skin and then rots into a bile liquid within three minutes of being exposed to the air, but that’s not important to this story.) Every year, Kathy plans her fall schedule around Pumpkinpalooza and swears that she’s going to keep herself in check. Every year, she lives like a Pumpking for hours at the bar slugging down 8% pumpkin beers on a Friday evening. And once again for another year the Pumpqueen winds up like Cinderella on the floor after midnight.

Size Matters - If you had a small dog that lived a great life for 15 years and weighed in between 9 and 11 pounds its whole time on earth, and then some time passes by you decide you miss having a dog and decide to get a new one and the person you are getting a new small puppy from tells you it will be between 15 and 20 pounds when it grows up, don’t be surprised in six to eight months after you get the puppy that the new dog is in fact bigger than your old dog because 15 to 20 pounds is more than say 9 to 11 pounds. (For reference see What Did Kathy Learn – The Law of Weight).  Constantly telling the new dog that “You are bigger than I thought” well you squint and cock your head sideways trying to make it look smaller won’t help make it smaller while the dog just looks back at you like you’re an idiot, because 1, it’s exactly the size it’s supposed to be and 2, it doesn’t speak English, so it has no idea what you are saying.

Gravity Refresher - Kathy had been looking forward to a fun-filled weekend, and she decided to close out a Saturday of fun with one final stop at the luxurious Sawgrass Marriott Resort in Ponte Vedra. Kathy decided to visit the resort's elegant bar for a (some) nightcap(s). She ordered her favorite cocktail, a sweet and fruity concoction that was a Saturday tradition for her. The bartender, skilled at his craft, made it a tad stronger than usual, but Kathy didn't mind; she was in the mood to indulge. As the evening progressed, Kathy engaged in lively conversations with fellow guests. Laughter filled the air, and the atmosphere was vibrant. The bartender, noticing that Kathy's glass was often empty, generously kept refilling it. Hours flew by, and Kathy, feeling quite relaxed and soon to find out that she would become a little unsteady on her feet, decided it was time to call it a night. She thanked her newfound friends and clumsily attempted to leave her barstool. But the combination of the strong drinks and her slightly wobbly balance proved to be a challenge.  With a misstep, Kathy tumbled off the barstool and landed on the floor with a thud. It was a comical and unexpected sight, akin to the sound of a fisherman's catch being slapped against the side of a boat. The laughter that had been echoing in the bar grew silent for a moment, but then became even louder as everyone witnessed Kathy's ungraceful descent after she began laughing herself. Gathering her dignity, Kathy struggled to her feet, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and a steady laugh. She waved off the concerned bar patrons, insisting she was fine and that it was just a minor mishap. She then stumbled towards the lobby, determined to make it to her Uber and get home for a long sleep it off slumber. In the lobby, Kathy spotted a plush lounge chair and made a beeline for it as that was closer than the Uber. She flopped down onto the chair, her eyelids heavy and a contented smile on her face. She was oblivious to the curious glances from other guests who had heard about her barstool escapade. As Kathy drifted off into a deep slumber, the laughter from the bar continued to echo in her dreams. Unbeknownst to her, the giggles and chuckles from the lobby weren't mocking her; they were simply amused by the lighthearted spectacle of her fall. The next morning, Kathy woke up with a bit of a headache but a smile on her face. She couldn't remember much from the night before, but she knew one thing for sure – she had provided some unexpected entertainment and another lesson for us all to learn from. (Or she was concussed and we all just sat there and obliviously laughed at her).

Watch Your Head - As the days grow shorter and the air continues to get hotter and hotter to the point of spontaneous combustion across the First Coast, a palpable sense of excitement and anticipation envelops the hearts of Jacksonville Jaguars fans. The upcoming football season looms on the horizon like a beacon of hope, igniting a fervent energy that courses through the city. Memories of past triumphs and challenges linger, fueling discussions and debates among eager supporters. With every passing moment, the anticipation builds, as fans eagerly await the roar of the crowd, the clash of helmets, and the thrill of touchdowns. As the team prepares to take the field once more, there's an unspoken unity among the faithful, a shared belief that this season could mark a turning point, a resurgence of the team's glory days. In this moment of anticipation, the promise of victories and the possibility of a triumphant journey await, binding the city and its team in a tapestry of hope and excitement. But alas, not only does the return of the Jaguars to the field bring about this unadulterated joy. The football season also brings back the yarns of the life lessons learned by Kathy for everyone to enjoy. Amidst the glamour of her seldom worn fashionable high heels on a fancy spring bender night out, Kathy remained blissfully buzzed and unaware of the unintended consequence the heels brought to her encounters with her sleek Tesla. With each graceful step, she strode confidently, her heels accentuating her poise and style. However, a comical twist awaited her every time she approached her car. Unbeknownst to Kathy, her heightened stature caused her to meet an unexpected obstacle - the roof of her beloved Tesla. A symphony of inadvertent collisions ensued, as Kathy unwittingly slammed her head against the car's roof upon entry and exit. Her puzzled expression painted a portrait of bemusement, a dance between sophistication, frustration, and humor that unfolded every time she engaged with her automobile. The juxtaposition between her elegant fashion choices and the frustrating routine of continuous head bumps epitomized Kathy's unique charm, leaving her head slightly bruised and onlookers amused and bemused by the delightful comedy of her high heeled car interactions. Lesson of the story, your taller with high heels and in game adjustments have to be made to keep your head safe.

Your Eyes Lie - Since this is a bonus edition of the January Newsletter, you get a Bonus What Did Kathy Learn from the Maui Airport. At the end of a fun vacation, most of us are usually bummed out it's over, exhausted from a great time, and generally not interested in the jumble mess of people milling around with the same miserable disposition of a lack of interest in boarding a 9 hour red eye flight back to everyone's run of mill slappy lives and uninspiring professions. In any case, as the boarding process was approaching, each member in our family took the obligatory one last trip to the bathroom while the others scrolled through their phones, mumbled things to each other, and circled the drain standing by a window staring at the airplane that was doing nothing. As Kathy, Andrew, and I wasted minutes of our lives we would like to have back waiting for Delaney to return, Kathy stated, there she is, let's go. Andrew and I then glanced with Delaney no where in site. Kathy then repeated, she's here, come on. As Andrew and I once again scanned the immediate adjacent area, Delaney was no where in sight, however there was a 72 year old man in a Cowboy Hat and Blazer standing by us that Kathy had mistaken somehow for her own 20 year old daughter. Sometimes the vacations just take it all out of you.

I Scream You Scream We All Scream For Ice Cream - One of the most enjoyable things after completing the River Run is hanging out in the VIP tent, courtesy of River Run Hall of Famer Patty Trauthwein, and enjoying some ice cold beer and shoving gas station quality ice cream sandwiches down your gullet as a reward for traversing 9.3 calculated miles which translates to about 9.54 GPS miles.   As previously mentioned, the ice cream sandwiches are in fact the same kind you find at the gas station, and due to their quality, they don’t even try to pass them off as good with a fancy name like “artisan crafted hand-spun ice cream sandwiches”.   They just wheel these things out in the same case you find by the back corner of a gas station by the bathroom with the glass sliding doors on top, loaded with freezer burn and frost. Despite all that, on whatever particular day of the Gregorian Calendar the Gate River Run may fall on, these things somehow are the best-tasting thing in the world.   This past year, Kathy was sucking back the draft Miller Lite’s and smacking her gums on these delectable delights as a reward for her accomplishments.    As the morning wore on, the VIP tent began to empty, and it was time to depart.    Just because she was leaving, didn’t mean she was done. She grabbed one to eat on the walk to the car but quickly became distracted by who knows what and shoved the ice cream sandwich in her backpack and quickly forgot about it. 20 minutes passed between the time of departure, the walk to the car, and a quick stop at the Cat Box to change clothes before heading to a post-run get-together.   While changing into the clothes contained in her backpack, she became perplexed about why they were all wet and sticky. There was no choice, though, but to put them on anyway and solve the mystery later, until she came across the rapidly melting ice cream sandwich, which doesn’t survive well outside of the frost-bitten freezer case and does even worth maintaining its frozen state in a backpack full of clothes.   One may think, this would have caused panic or irritation to Kathy upon discovering the ice cream sandwich was the culprit of the soiled clean clothes, but you would be wrong. Courtesy of the Miller Lites, great joy was found for Kathy as she exclaimed, oh, there’s my Ice Cream and was thrilled with enjoying the unforeseen encore of more ice cream, similar to a three year old finding a pretzel from a week ago in their pocket.

Time Waits On No Woman - It’s been a few years since there is a big storm here and we got by this past week easy. When hurricanes or tropical storms pass by, two things are usually guaranteed, one is the power going out for a period, and the second is Kathy learning something. Once again, without fail, Ian delivered.   As far as the power going out, it wasn’t a big deal, but we did get to enjoy about 90 minutes or so of sans-electric living on Thursday.   Shortly after the power came back on Andrew stopped by the house to sniff out if there might be an opportunity for a free dinner that evening.   While talking about the day, Andrew mentioned his employer had everyone working remotely at home all day.   Kathy was then perplexed on how Andrew was at our house at 4:15 when his normal workday didn’t end until after 5:00 pm.   Did you get off early today?    No, Kathy, it’s 6:45 pm, you never reset the clocks on the stove or microwave after the power came back on.   Just because the power goes out, doesn’t mean that time stands still.

Lucky Nine = No Dice - If you have or had a kid at UF, you may have stumbled across a super fun game with people heaving dice in air. That game is known as beer die, beer dye or snappa and is a table-based drinking game where opposing players sit or stand at opposite ends and throw a die over a certain height with the goal of either landing the die in their opponent's cup or having the die hit the table and bounce over the scoring area to the floor. The defending team attempts to catch the die one-handed after it hits the table, but before it touches a non-table surface. The game typically consists of two two-player teams with each of the four players having a designated cup on the table, but can also be played one-vs-one.Three distinct attributes define a beer-die-thrower: offense, defense, and stamina. A good offensive player throws many legal throws and often will put pressure on the defense by throwing near the opponents' cups and the edge of the table. A good defensive player consistently catches routine throws and often will snare "hot tosses". A player with good stamina can drink often over a period of many games without his or her game diminishing. When constructing a beer die team, it is advantageous to bring different facets to the table.
While there are many rules to the game, one oddball rule comes into play when the die lands on the table and stays on the table. In this situation, the thrower may call out a number before the die stops bouncing or spinning and if that number hits, they may throw the die again. It’s a pretty simple rule with a one in six chance of hitting the number, which is decent odds unless you are Kathy and for some reason decide to yell “Nine,” which will never hit because nine is not and has never been a number on any side of a six sided die since they were invented by the Egyptians. And that is how Andrew’s Lambda Chi fraternity brothers at UF learned a valuable life lesson via The What Did Kathy Learn traveling road show.

Who's Smart At PetSmart - Every year around the time the NFL playoffs start, after months of reading and reliving the moments that keep us all entertained, Kathy steps up her A game in life, and the What Did Kathy Learn moments cease to exist. But, as the temperatures begin to warm, school lets out for the summer, and training camp grows closer, the beautiful moments return. After a couple of years of paying attention to when the notes were made about the events that unfolded, it is almost like clockwork. Football season coincides with Kathy’s finest moments like the tides rolling in and out like clockwork every day.
To fire off the offseason, we will start with what may be an instant classic. In today’s electronic age, we have all become tethered to cell phones. They are an extension of our bodies, and one of the worst feelings is the feeling of, oh shit, I think I left my phone in the store. At that moment, the heart starts pumping, the stomach drops, and the fight or flight endorphins kick in with a drop everything; there is only one mission mentality. That moment happened to Kathy a few weeks ago as she left Pets Mart. As she was talking with me about our plans for the upcoming weekend, she exclaimed the infamous words, “Oh Shit, I left my phone in the cart in Pets Mart.” Usually, your or my first answer and suggestion would be, let’s go back there right away and see if they found it. However, this was an oddly unique situation because our conversation was not in person; Kathy was talking to me on her phone in the parking lot while I was on my phone in my office. I quickly asked the obvious question, “how are you talking to me then on your phone, if you left your phone in there? Are you sure it’s not in your hand that is holding up to your ear” to which Kathy had a simple and the only answer one could have at this point realizing that in fact her phone was in her hand smashed against her ear; “God Dammit, son of a bitch, I guess that’s going to be in the newsletter.” Absolutely Kathy, absofrigginlutely.

Cartoons Aren't Real - One lazy evening over the summer Matt, Andrew, and Delaney were lounging on the couch enjoying one of the many fantastic episodes from the amazing 13 season run of King of the Hill. Kathy, sitting in her familiar bar stool in the kitchen frittering time away on her laptop, looked over and asked "Why is Bobby still Middle School? Shouldn't he be in High School by now?". Well Kathy, if the show started when he was in middle school, call it 7th grade and about 13 years old, 13 seasons/years later he would be wrapping up Law School, around the age of 26 years old. But since he's not a real person and is a cartoon character, and in cartoons, nobody ages, he's still in middle school. Much like every year Charlie Brown and his gang are still in the Christmas Pagent every year, Bart Simpson is still the same age, and the Flintstones are still in the stone age, they all stay the same age because it's a cartoon. Come on man.

The Luer Lock - Earlier this year while spending of the day completing some routine maintenance at the Cat Box, a kitten made its way over to Kathy and suckered her in to take her home. The kitten, who acted nice and sweet to Kathy, turned out to be one of the meanest and nastiest cats anyone would be unfortunate enough to encounter in their lives, but that is a different story. Now that the cat resides at our house, and her true personality revealed, it became apparent there was no need for it to procreate anything that would remotely resemble her, as any offspring could in some way lead to the end of the world as we know it. That meant a trip to the vet to extract the reproductive features from the cat was in order. Upon collecting the animal after spending a night recovering at the vet's office once the procedure was complete, Kathy was instructed to provide the cat with a syringe of medicine on a daily basis to help prevent any infections. This seemed a simple task and Kathy was happy to help aid in the cat's recovery. An night fell on the day of the cats return to the house, it was time to administer the medicine, which turned out to be a two-person job. One person had to hold the cat and keep it from squirming and the other person was to administer the medicine using the syringe. Fortunately, the cat was wearing a cone, which severely hampered its only one true joy in life of biting people as hard as it can possibly do, over and over. The cone made it easier to hold the beast still without the fear of a fang being lodged into one's forearm. I was asked to hold the cat still and Kathy held said syringe in hand, which was already preloaded with medicine. The syringe was gently and lovingly placed slightly in the cat’s mouth and all was ready to go. The cat, not knowing anything the better, was calm and unaware of the event about to transpire as Kathy pressed the plunger flange causing the plunger to extend and discharge the fluid contained in the barrel into the cat’s gullet. What happened next was nothing me, Kathy, or the cat expected. As Kathy thrust the plunger flange into the barrel of the syringe, the cat's head shot backward in a motion not seen since the Zapruder film captured the fateful events outside the School Book Depository in Dallas and the liquid contained in the syringe somehow reverberated doing a u-turn from the intended target of the Cat's mouth all over Kathy. The cat continued to cough until a mystery projectile flew across the room and landed on the floor a few feet away. Kathy, looking befuddled, commented, “What happened? The damn cat spit her medicine all over me”. I released the cat from her ravenous squirm and knelt to the floor to inspect the projectile that came from her mouth to find what appeared to be a black object that matched the Luer Lock on the end of the other syringes in the packet of medicine provided by the vet’s office. I asked Kathy if she had placed the medicine in the syringe by drawing from a vial or container or if they were pre-loaded and had a cap on them to contain the medicine. She noted, they were pre-loaded and thought that “pressure” was simply holding the fluid in place (not the Luer Lock) and didn’t realize that the Luer Lock (aka the cap) had to be removed before administering them, which meant she had pressed down on the plunger which such force that the Luer Lock was discharged from the syringe into the back of the cat's throat. Fortunately, the cat, being a mean beast to begin with, already had an equal and opposite reaction plan dialed up and had the wherewithal to realize the Leur Lock was not intended to be shot into her esophagus and was able to expel it and save her own life.

Deja Vu But Not At each home game, the Jaguars are kind enough to honor a military veteran each game. While they honor the distinguished individual, they put their name and picture on the scoreboard and announce their name for the stadium so we all can cheer and clap as thanks for their service to our great nation. This past game, the Jaguars were playing well and may have even had the lead when the commercial break came up during the first have and in the midst of the revelry and excitement of honoring veteran, Kathy exclaimed, "What the Hell, it's been the same damn dude every game? Come on Jags, quit being so cheap and get a new person." That seemed odd, particularly because there were some distinct features that I remembered from the previous game, like possibly one person was a man and another a woman and some other obvious differences that make us all unique human beings. Kathy kept on insisting it was the same person while enjoying sips of her overpriced beer, "Look right there, it's the same person, Dr. Patrick Basile." Hang tight there Kathy, you missed the word "Sponsored By", which means that ain't the person they are honoring, that's the person ponying up the coin for some advertising and sponsoring the veteran of the game. (Editors Note - Dr. Patrick Basile was the sponsor in 2020, and may not be the right sponsor this year, but nevertheless, that's not the vet)

It Doesn't Fill Itself Kathy recently took delivery of her new car, which is all electric and everything is pretty much automated and happens automatically. It doesn’t even need a key, just hop in start driving and get out when you reach your destination. It turns itself on and off, it can drive itself in a lane, it doesn’t need an oil change, it doesn’t need gas, the headlights come on when they need to, the windshield wipers come on automatically, you get the picture. But, as it turns out, it does need one fluid to function properly… Windshield Washer Fluid. If you don’t put any in, the automatic wipers assume that the funk building up on the windshield must be rain and wipers continue to try and run to wipe it off. But without fluid it smears more and more as the sensors can’t discern that you expected everything to be automatic and stopping for fluid takes too much time on your route around the beach so they continue to smear until the windshield looks like one of the old Fox 30 standard definition Jags preseason game broadcast where mayonnaise is smeared over the camera lenses. And the more you continue to drive around because “you don’t have to stop at a gas station anymore, where you can but this stuff” the worse it will get.

Hope Floats Each summer, Kathy enjoys one of the top benefits of employment as an educator spending June and July free as a bird from the obligations of work. As August draws closer, there are more and more afternoons frittered away floundering on a raft in the pool (Not that there's anything wrong with that as anyone should do if they have the opportunity). On a recent hot day, Kathy settled into her raft and floated around blissfully for an hour or two accompanied by her Yeti cup filled with her favorite early afternoon beverage. Upon exiting the pool, the Yeti was placed on the edge of the pool deck for safekeeping only to be accidentally kicked in the pool on her departure from the raft. Later that evening while taking the dog for his evening constitutional stroll around the block, Kathy was delighted to inform me the Yeti Cup floated and didn’t immediately sink to the bottom of the pool when she kicked it in. For those scoring at home, this is the same Yeti cup you all love and know that has a foam insulation core and a lid that holds in the liquid and subsequent air making up the difference in volume between what was drank and what remains. What was amazing was the surprise in Kathy's observation, that the Yeti, with all the above traits, remained on the surface. In the end, teaching science this past year doesn't mean a thing when you find out that not only hope floats but Yeti's do as well.

Cooler vs. Stove Top This week we hop into the way back machine for an old story. Shortly after or maybe just before Matt & Kathy got married, they lived in a small marginally habitable townhouse in the northern Dayton / southern Vandalia Ohio area where most people peak the summer between 9th and 10th grade. Anyhow, it gets cold there and in a townhouse where the windows are thinner than the glass in a Gate River Run Mug, it takes some time to get yourself warm in the morning. One of the ways Kathy would get warm was by heating up a kettle of water on the stove for Coffee or Tea or whatever she drank in the morning. Well, that works great, unless you are parking a cooler for lunch and forget which burner you are heating up the kettle on and which you left your cooler on and head upstairs to take a shower and do your hair. When Kathy came down she found the downstairs covered in a thick black chemical-laden haze recirculating through the ductwork and stinking up the townhouse complex which resulted in the local fire department arriving sirens ablaze to see what was amiss and having to fumigate the premises with large box fans because the young housewife Kathy melted a cooler on the right front burner of the stove.

Iron Blood Continuing on with good information about donating blood.... So Kathy got wind that the Bloodmobile would be outside of her second home and favorite watering hole (Engine 15) last Wednesday which would provide her yet another opportunity in her quest to possess the Covid Antibody without actually having the Rona, something she is convinced she can achieve. She suggested to Matt that it would be a fun couples night after work to donate blood together, which seemed like a fine idea to do together. Except if you don't do it together, because due to your weekday vegan diet you have low iron content which means you can't donate blood and don't figure that out until your husband is hooked up and ready to be drained to which it becomes Kathy heads to Engine 15 to suck back some beers while Matt remains in the bloodmobile solo getting sucked dry of blood. Real fun time there babe.

Bad Blood Another new thing because of the Rona is that when you donate blood, your blood is tested to see if you have antibodies to the COVID-19 in your system. Matt had donated blood and found out he in fact had the superpowers making him impervious to the great pandemic and Andrew also found out his blood had the same results. Not to be outdone after learning of Matt and Andrew's powers, Kathy was convinced that if anyone should have the antibodies, it should have been her. (As a side note, when it turned out the results of her blood test from the blood donation were negative, she went to multiple other testing locations figuring it was wrong to get additional anti-body testing, but those came back negative too. But that is a different story). Anyway, while donating blood is very routine, it is recommended you avoid exercising the rest of the day and eat some food as well. Unfortunately, the excitement of the possibility of having the anti-bodies outweighed the need to listen to or read any recommendations so Kathy came home, threw on the exercise clothes, and figured the 11 am heat of July was a great time for one of her warp speed walks (She once walked a 5k in less than 40 minutes). As you may guess, that didn’t end well. Later that evening when we were all home talking about the day, Kathy let it slip that during her walk she had to sit on a curb and then an old man came by and checked on her, then went home, got his car, and brought her home. Despite having watched several seasons of Criminal Minds she thought nothing of hopping in a car with a complete stranger, however, it turned out to be just fine. But for future reference, Kathy did learn that exercising in 98-degree heat a few hours after giving blood without eating anything is a bad plan.

The Calendar The Gregorian calendar is the calendar used in most of the world. It is named after Pope Gregory XIII, who introduced it in October 1582. The calendar spaces leap years to make its average year 365.2425 days long, approximating the 365.2422-day tropical year that is determined by the Earth's revolution around the Sun. The cool thing about the calendar is it is universal to everyone, everywhere across the globe. So say you want to book a room in Amsterdam on March 14th, all you have do is call a hotel there or log into a website and select March 14th as the day you are checking in and when you get there, you have a room, unless......... your Kathy. For some reason, Kathy just uses columns and rows to figure out what day of the week to make appointments and make hotel reservations. I am not sure how her system works, but the best I can discern is if you want to have lunch with her on March 15, you ask for the third month, the fourth column intersecting with the third row at 2 pm to make that date, because that's how Kathy booked a nonrefundable room in Amsterdam only to realize the next day that wasn't the right day and she was duped because they have an "F'd up" calendar in the Netherlands that starts the week on Monday instead of Sunday. Rather than book the date, she counted rows and columns.. So always rely on the number of the day, not the column and row of when you want to go.

The Match Game 2020 has brought us all many new and different things. For Kathy, one new thing for her was the acquisition of not so gently used late 20th century RV. While it resembles Eddie’s tenement on wheels, it does get the job done and provided Kathy with some great family adventures this last year. But, before it became a mecca of enjoyment for Kathy, some work had to be done on it. One of those tasks was to remove the carpet that was laden with 20 pounds of beach sand, accumulated dander, and whatnot. During this process, the bases for the dining area seats had to be removed. During the time they were removed, Matt asked Kathy to take one of the pieces to Home Depot and find some stain that matched the color of it so he could stain some other wood he installed around the bed frame. The day went by and as Matt was nearing completing the installation of the flooring, it was time to reinstall the seat frames. Looking around there was one piece missing. Everything else was there. Matt looked and looked. He searched high and low wondering how a two-foot by four-foot piece of finished wood with some cleats, hinges, and other fasteners on it could have disappeared. Its absence presented a problem because the seat could not be put together without it. Running out of places to look and in an effort to eliminate all possibilities, Matt even looked in the mirror in a location that would be anatomically impossible to put it because at this point Kathy insisted that is the location where he lost it. Realizing it was nowhere to be found, Matt engaged Kathy in the age-old “let's retrace the steps” process. A - Matt gave it to Kathy. B - Kathy went to Home Depot. C - Kathy came home. At this point, it was determined that the last place it was seen by anyone else was “B”. Apparently, during the trip to Home Depot, the said piece of the frame ended it’s participation in the errand and remained at Home Depot. Kathy then responded, “Oh you needed that”. Yes Kathy, the point of matching something, is because the thing you are matching is staying. If it didn’t need to match, there would be no need to take it to match it. Kathy also learned if you leave a piece of wood randomly laying around Home Depot, it won’t be there 8 hours later when you go back to look for it. So everyone remember, if someone hands you a part of an RV seat frame to match the stain color, the most important part of the list is to bring it back, not leave it in Aisle 8 of Home Depot after you match the stain color to it.

Guest Edition Each year in August when I run into people I haven’t seen in a Fortnite or two, the first two questions people like to ask are how many games do you think the Jaguars might win this year and what did Kathy learn this year.    Well, this year it’s not how many games will the Jaguars win, it’s will they win a single game. As for Kathy, she learned plenty, but as has become customary over the last few years, the first column of the year isn’t about what Kathy learned, it’s about what someone else learned, and that someone else is usually Steve, except this year it’s not Steve, it’s someone else.
There were many candidates to earn the distinguished honor of being the guest learner.   Michael sent in several stories of what his wonderfully kind and caring wife Lisa learned, including the importance of understanding dimensions as she ordered the family a set of cornhole boards to play during the quarantine weeks not realizing they were miniature Christmas ornament sized set of Cornhole boards, not real cornhole boards.   Michael also shared a cautionary tale to completely chew taco shells so they don’t become lodged in your throat and cause a person to wind up at Mayo Clinic for the night running tests for a heart attack when in fact it was just a sideways taco shell lodged in a person’s esophagus resulting in the most expensive taco ever consumed in the history of the universe.
Another candidate is Ansley who when trying to join several people on a conference call stated “Hold on a second let me get everybody joined up” and then hit the red button to which everyone then heard “Click”. The red button doesn’t join calls, it hangs everyone up.
There were also several people to remain nameless who can’t figure out the rules of a Zoom call including not sitting outside with a hot mike next to the air conditioning unit and then wondering why nobody can hear anyone and all that anyone can hear is the sound of the fan on the condensing unit.
Anyway, those are all good things to learn, but ironically, none are as good as what one of the biggest fans of What Did Kathy Learn, learned himself.   You see, John Thomas is one of the most dedicated, hardworking, and responsible employees anyone can ask for.   For the last several years, John has been the backbone of Ghiatto and Associates, a surveying company in Jacksonville Beach.   Like clockwork, John is in the office by 7am, if not earlier, every day, without fail.   John is the wheel that stirs the cheese. He’s the glue that holds the horse together. You get the picture. Well after years and years of being the first one in day after day, John had been out late the night before tying one on with his wife and decided “what the hell, I’m gonna sleep in till 8 today and go in a little bit late, nobody’s gonna care”.   Well, that’s true for most people, but most people are not his boss, Phil Ghiatto, the owner of Ghiatto & Associates.   When Phil arrived at the office a few minutes before 8am and his right-hand man John wasn’t there and there was no sign of John, Phil became convinced something terrible must have happened to John, much like George Steinbrenner did when he noticed Costanza’s car had been in an accident and there was no sign of George.   Anyhow, Phil made a call to John’s phone, but since John was still sleeping one off, nobody answered.   With no answer, Phil had to act fast, so he rushed to John’s house. Upon arriving at John’s house, Phil used the skills he gleaned from watching the Jason Borne movies by taking action to determine if foul play was a possibility. Security camera footage would later reveal Phil creeping around the house and looking in windows, using the palm of his hand to check if the hoods of John's vehicles to see if they were hot to determine if they had been running recently, and searching the property for clues of John’s whereabouts.   After what Phil felt a significant amount of time was for no evidence of any signs of life from John (about 3 minutes), Phil felt the need to notify the authorities that something was amiss.   John, meanwhile, was awaking from a relaxing sleep and about to step in the shower sometime before 8:30am when he noticed the hue of red and blue lights outside of his house followed by the sounds air brakes from large vehicles and the pounding of multiple sets of footsteps around the house.   It was at this point he decided to walk to the front door and see what was happening. Upon opening the door there were police officers, firemen, and other first responders outside of his house all ready to respond to a nefarious situation and render whatever lifesaving assistance to John was needed so he could return to work. Much to the surprise of Jacksonville Beaches finest, it was John himself, in near mint condition who answered the door, and to John’s surprise, they were there looking for him because he was not at work within an hour or so of when he should have been and Phil was convinced he had been murdered.   So the moral of the story, always let your boss know if you decided you need an extra hour to sleep one off on a Friday morning, otherwise, you too could wind up with Duval County’s first class first responders providing a custom wake up call courtesy of the tax payer's dime and your paranoid boss.

The U-Turn One of the recurring subjects of WDKL seems to involve her driving or her car. This week's edition once again features her driving. Since it can be hard at times to figure out which way you should turn, the Florida Department of Transportation came up with a systematical way to guide motorists to their destination, which you and I know as directional signs. In particular, signs are useful when determining how to access an interstate highway, such as I-10 in Tallahassee. The precedent to navigating the correct access point to an Interstate ramp is a basic understanding of the four cardinal directions, or cardinal points, are the directions north, east, south, and west, commonly denoted by their initials N, E, S, and W. East and west are perpendicular (at right angles) to north and south, with east being in the clockwise direction of rotation from north and west being directly opposite east. Points between the cardinal directions form the points of the compass, which was covered last year in another edition of WDKL. Unfortunately sometimes What Did Kathy Learn doesn't mean Kathy remembered what she learned, it just means she learned something, and this time she learned it again. Before we go any further,, while for many it may be obvious, but just in case for those that don't know, Jacksonville is east of Tallahassee and Pensacola is West. As shown by the picture above, to access I-10 eastbound required a left turn at the first stoplight. If this turn was missed, then a good solution would be to make a u-turn and return to this intersection to access I-10 eastbound. A bad solution realizing you have missed the turn would be to blow through to the next intersection and take a hard left directly onto the west ramp under the sign that says Pensacola, I-10 West. In fact, turning on the west ramp and traveling towards Pensacola will in fact take you to Pensacola and a minimum of 5 miles to the next available exit to turn around rather than a quick u-turn where you just were. As the other passengers expressed their dismay with the exhibition of navigational prowess, Kathy, realizing what had transpired, muttered under her breath, "I hate every f#uk#ng one of you".

Connecting your phone to your car - One of the sources of many lessons for Kathy is her car. While it’s not new anymore, the technology of the 21st century continues its wonderment with Kathy. Recently Kathy upgraded to a new phone, which can always be a trying experience. The following day as we drove to Gainesville to spend the afternoon with Andrew, I mentioned to Kathy she should get her phone all squared away and linked up the car on the way there. No need she replied, it’s already done. Astonished, and proud, I let her know how great it was she got it all linked up on her own the night before. She chimed in that it was amazing, the phone synced itself up all on its own and she didn’t even have to touch it. There is no way possible I thought, but maybe there is something I don’t know with these new phones. I then asked her to flip on some tunes on Spotify for the quick road trip, but low and behold, the phone refused to connect. Kathy messed with every setting and continued to get more and more flustered as each button she pushed did not provide any reward. As she looked at the device wondering what kind of sorcery was needed for it to work, I asked her again exactly how her brand new phone out of the box automatically knew how to connect with a 2016 Acura it had never met before, She replied, “It was easy, after I left the T-Mobile store, I hopped in the car and it just connected, I literally didn’t have to do anything”. A few moments went by as the cogs of knowledge spun through my head. Wait a minute Kathy, by any chance was your old phone still on and with you when you were driving home that had music downloaded on it already? This was followed by the famous and somewhat regularly uttered phrase “Dammmit, don’t put that in the newsletter”. Lesson learned, if you still have your old phone in your pocket, your old phone is the one connected to the car, the car doesn’t have any clue that you have a new one.

A Speaker Only Plays Music After having so much fun tailgating with Andrew and his Frat brothers at the Florida-Georgia game, Kathy decided to go for an encore performance the following week when Florida took on Vanderbilt in Gainesville. This time the Tailgate Party was at the Lambda Chi house in Gainesville where everyone was in full force by 9:00 am. As we all know, early-drinking Kathy = early drunken Kathy. After enjoying a couple games of Snappa (See the last issue of the Cat Box News for more info on that) and spending a half-hour of pointing out to Delaney which girls were wearing appropriate outfits and which ones looked like hoes (the girl in the fishnet shirt with the bra), it was time to head to the game. Walking to the game on campus doesn't have the same leniency to walk with your beer as Jacksonville does, so it was time to throw away the beer when leaving the house. Kathy quickly spotted what she thought was a trash can in her mind, but to the rest of the world that large inanimate object is more commonly referred to as a 2-way powered speaker. As Kathy repeatedly attempted to shove her beer can down the Tweeter to no avail, her mortified firstborn child and newly initiated member of Lambda Chi, Andrew was forced to utter the words no son ever wants to have to say to their Mother, "No Mom, that's a speaker, it's not a garbage can". Lesson learned, speakers, play music, they do not accept garbage. Garbage cans collect garbage, they do now play music

Party Like A Queen, Sleep Like A Geezer Hey, bonus tailgate means an extra opportunity for invaluable knowledge to be passed on to everyone in another edition of What Did Kathy Learn. Last weekend was the Florida-Georgia game and Andrew was in charge of the Cat Box with a plethora of his friends from UF. They had a nice event going at the Box and Kathy decided to swing by to see if she still had some college tailgating in her before heading off to the Ansley's to watch the big game on the comfort of a couch. While at the Cat Box and another tailgate, Kathy started the day with a cornhole loss and then bounced back to win two games of beer pong and wrapped up her adventure winning her first foray into the game of Snappa. If you are over 40, like we are, you probably have never heard of it either, but that’s ok, It involves throwing dice up in the air and if you are good enough to land it in an opponents cup, you win. And if you throw the dice 8 feet in the air and land it in the cup of a the president of a fraternity from UF, you not only win, you humiliate the poor chap in front of his peers, and that’s what Kathy did and celebrated like only she knows how. While it was a fantastic accomplishment, it did come with a price. After such a victorious day tailgating it was time to turn the page for the next chapter and enjoy part two of the day watching the football game with friends, however while playing those games and enjoying the victories, Kathy was also enjoying the beers that came with them. Unfortunately, the beers that powered her to the wins came with a price, and Kathy came crashing down just like the Gators offense completely shutting down from the end of the 1st to midway through the 4th quarters. Upon awaking in a haze wondering what had transpired, and insisting she had been asleep for no more than a few minutes, not an hour and half, Kathy realized once again of the old reminder that proper pacing during a long day of tailgating with college kids and football is undefeated regardless of the victories it brings along the way.

Liquids In TSA....Again As you may remember Kathy has often forgotten bottles of water in a backpack going through TSA causing the line to stop and initiating a detailed search of the contraband in her bag. Determined not to repeat history, Kathy has been ever so diligent about water in the airport. In Europe their version of the TSA requires all liquids, no matter what size to be placed in a separate clear bag. If you leave them in your backpack, you will be flagged and have to go through it all again. Kathy explained this all to Scott and Ansley who were traveling with us and our kids. We all unloaded everything even remotely close to liquid and passed the TSA test with flying colors, all good. Well in the process of unloading the 34 small bottles of shampoo, soaps, lotions, toothpaste, the hand sanitizer hidden in bottom of the pack reared it’s ugly head and once again Kathy was in the detention line. A week later, boarding the plane back to the good old USA Kathy had remembered the sanitizer but this time once again forgot the rouge water bottle which led to a perfect score of 2 for 2 on detentions. While this is all stuff Kathy knew would get her thrown in the bad person line, the great part was her standing there pouting and sulking and not speaking to any of us for 5 minutes. Scott asked her what’s wrong to which she replied, “Stupid bottle now I’m gonna be in that F’n newsletter, AGAIN, it’s not fair.”

The Law of Weight As we did a couple backpacking trips this year, we figured out a must have when packing are compressible bags for clothes. You can put your clothes in a bag that can be tightened and compressed to a smaller size to allow for more items to fit in your pack. After compressing some items into half the size they were, Kathy was all smiles and said “This is great, not only can I bring more stuff it will weigh less as well”. Not two seconds later as the laughter came roaring off my lips, Kathy looked at me confused and then a quick science refresher course ran through her head and her eyes popped open wide as she exclaimed, “Dammmit, Son of a bitch, that’s going in the newsletter isn’t it? I am done talking for the rest of the day" Yup as we all know, a pound of feathers weighs as much as a pound of nails. Just because the bag got smaller doesn't mean it lost any weight.

Watering Fake Plants One of Kathy’s resolutions this year is to try and keep some plants in and around the house. Not much of a green thumb, the challenge that has presented itself with Kathy’s horticulture projects is plants are living things and need water. One of the kids in Kathy’s class got what looked to be a cool succulent. Kathy kept this cute little plan right near the kitchen sink so as not to forget watering it. Finally she had nailed it keeping a plant alive, three weeks later it looked as good as the day she got it. As a matter of fact it looked exactly like the day she got it, no brown spots, nothing, the spiting image of health. It was a textbook example of how to care for this wonderful specimen the good Lord created for her to enjoy. One particular evening as Kathy gave this plant some water with smile and admiring her work, Delaney walked by and asked “Why are you watering that, it’s fake”. Dammmmit was Kathy’s reply.

IPA, It's Time To Slay Once again, what Kathy learned is not only good for Kathy, it’s good for you too. If you are hot at the Jags game, just follow her lead. At one Jumbo Shrimp game late this summer it was four buck IPA and good beer night, and as any beer snob knows, when you grab an IPA, it’s time to slay. Kathy started the evening off early priming the jets at Engine 15 as she wrapped up the first week of planning. After being pried out of her favorite watering hole, she headed Intuition to enjoy a pre-game meal and some more beer. Upon arriving at the Shrimp game she was excited learn the Shrimp were unloading the leftover good beer from the Craft Beer Fest the weekend before for the bargain price of $4 a beer. Always one for a deal, Kathy opted for whatever came in the 16oz Scud Missile Cans for several innings and in the process developed an alleged “Friendship” with the beer man. As the night grew to an end, Kathy decided she was hot and needed to cool off and the easiest way to do that she determined was to visit her new best friend, the beer man and hop in his ice cold tub of beer ice. This proved to work wonders to lower her core temperature and even attract new friends amazed at “That Girl In The Beer Tub”, including one possibly foreign gentlemen (or an American citizen with a speech impediment – who knows) who followed friendly Kathy to her seat thinking he too had a new best friend. In any event, Kathy learned there is no better way to cool off at a sporting event than spending time barefoot in a beer tub.

Quit Pointing At Me As Kathy learned in a prior edition, cars don’t need keys in the ignition these days to drive, they just have to be close by. Sometimes it hard to find your keys, but if your car starts, who cares, F it, they must be in here. Driving from the Beach to the Town Center on JTB sometimes people honk at you, and that’s ok, sometimes they are jackasses and sometimes its good because you might fall asleep or drift. When several people honk at you, and you can’t figure out why, throwing up your arms at everyone and mouthing “what”, “shut up”, “dumbass”, won’t help solve the mystery of why. Well Kathy met me for lunch and getting out of her car she still couldn’t find the keys, but knew they were in there somewhere because she had driven there, and if they weren’t in there, the car wouldn’t have fired up. One more car honked as she entered the parking lot and pointed and at that point the location of the mystery of the keys was solved, they were on the hood and luckily hadn’t fallen off, which would have shut down her car in the middle of JTB. So Kathy learned just because your car starts doesn’t mean your keys are necessarily in a safe place.

Trying To Kill Your Husband One fine day, Kathy needed to transport her bike somewhere and was kind enough to ask me to put the bike rack on her car. It’s a nice rack and connects to the hitch receiver on the back of the car. Having nothing but time on my hands, I obliged and went out to the car to hook up the rack while Kathy having places to be and things to do collected her belongings inside the house. I began the installation process behind the car and waved from the back of the car as she opened the door and entered the vehicle. Figuring the acknowledgement of the wave to me behind the car served as a check of the box in her mind that I was still behind the car, I went back to work securing the rack in the hitch receiver. This particular rack requires a keyed lock be placed in the receiver which requires the installer to kneel or sit on the pavement to complete the process of securing the lock. While engaged in this task the taillights illuminated as she applied pressure to be brake pedal foreshadowing the next event to occur, the turnover of the ignition. At that point I tapped the window a few times, which I thought notified her of my position. Unfortunately, it hadn’t but there was enough delay for me to right myself off the pavement as she scrolled through Facebook to see what she had missed in the short walk to the car from the house before putting the car in reverse. Just as I had up righted myself the dreaded white hue of the reverse lit and I thought, well the good news is there are three mirrors as well as a camera, which I am particularly visible in. I began pounding on the car as I tried to determine the best route of escape from the Acura that was about to run me over, similar to a squirrel doing the WTF dance in the middle of the road when it can’t figure out which way the car is going and which way they should go. Amazingly, Kathy possess a skill not all of us have, which is the ability to back up without having to look at the mirrors or camera and as such failed to see me, similar to several bollards, light poles, mailboxes, and cars around the greater Duval County area. I was able to dash out of the way just in time with a few more pounds on the back of the car, at which point Kathy stopped, rolled down the window and with a quizzical look asked “I wondered where you were, what was that noise?” So Kathy learned that if you ask someone to put on a bike rack and you can’t seem to find them after they wave to you from the back of the car, they are probably still there and locating them is a good idea before going blind reverse.

Scooters Dont' Shave Your Face While Kathy was enjoying her daily beer on her quest to complete the 12 Beers of Christmas (One beer a day for 12 days) at Engine 15 last night, Andy Marello mentioned that along with hoverboards, Electric Razors were on his kids Christmas lists. Kathy then wondered, why would a 5th grader and a 7th grader need an electric razor, they don't have any facial hair? No Kathy, Electric Razors are scooters.

Don't Put Your Name On An Anonymous Letter Sometimes when your friend flips out over something that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, it can be fun to troll them and see if you can stir the pot some more without them knowing it’s you (or at least that was the plan). After the Jaguars blew a 16 point lead in the final 20 minutes of the Steelers game, Ansley decided to pin all the blame on good old #27, Leonard Fournette, because putting the team on your back for 141 of the teams 283 total yards which accounted for 50% of the total offense by one guy for one day isn’t good enough for Ansley. No need to blame any of the other 20 something guys who play the other 10 positions on offense who’s total production equaled Leonard’s. Ansley started whining about Fournette the minute the Steelers went ahead and kept on whining until she got in the car to go home from the Cat Box and apparently kept whining the whole way home to the point Scott wouldn't listen so she felt compelled to post a short manifesto about Lenny on Facebook so she could feel better about it when her friends liked her post out of pity for her. Kathy, noticing a sale at Football Fanatics on Fournette shirts, decided she would stoke the fire a bit and send one to Ansley anonymously and see if she could get her fired up again and leave her wondering who had sent it. A few days passed, and a call was received from Ansley with the shirt. How did you know it was me, asked Kathy? Well, it’s easy to know who the anonymous gift is from, when you address it to yourself at your friend’s house. Had it been addressed to Ansley Doughty the shirt might still seem like a gift from the football gods to Ansley, but unfortunately Kathy addressed it to Kathy Reimer at Ansley’s house. It serves as a good reminder to all of us, if its a surprise from Santa, don't put your name on it.

Beer Friday Excitement One of the great things about being a teacher, besides shaping the mind of the future leaders of America, is the comradery among the staff at the school. Similar to coal miners, framers, and other professions, at the end of the week, many of them meet revel in accomplishments with each other at a local watering hole. Sometimes they can’t all make it at the same time, and sometimes one person stays from the beginning to the end of “Beer Friday” going from one to four beers pretty quick while waiting to say hello to the last teacher. May high tops in bar areas have wobbly tables and the person who is there the longest might be the one leaning on the table, holding down the fort so to say, and keeping the wobble down. If a teacher who had to run some errands, drop off a kid, etc. shows up while someone else is four beers in, the four beers in person might get really excited and throw up their arms, letting go of the wobbly table while the rest of the table realizes too late they are on the wrong end of the sea saw phenomenon which causes all the beers on the table to succumb to physics and wind up bottoms upward. So if you are Kathy, and you are applying pressure to the table, it’s best not to act like the person you saw a mere three hours ago at work hasn’t risen from the dead or is someone away at sea for 30 years, because you will lose your and everyone else’s beers.

Cars Dont Run Without Keys As Paul Harvey says, and now the rest of the story…… We last left off with Kathy was at the T-Mobile store learning her cell phone was waterproof and that a major advantage of that was it could be dropped in a toilet. The trip to the T-Mobile store was a family outing, including dinner and some other stops in Kathy’s new car that features a new fangled system that doesn’t require a key in the ignition, only a key fob to be in the car. The important part is that the key fob is in fact in the car. While at the T-Mobile store Kathy asked Andrew to run a quick errand for her while she figured out what was going on with her phone. About 90 seconds after Kathy entered the store, Andrew popped in the front door, at which time annoyed Kathy reared her ugly head and yelled “I told you to go to the blah, blah, blah, blah”. Andrew, desperate to get a word in, had to wait until the Gettysburg Address wrapped up to inform Kathy that with the key fob in her pocket her car would in fact not go any further than 10 feet beyond where she exited it.

The Cardinal Points The four cardinal directions, or cardinal points, are the directions north, east, south, and west, commonly denoted by their initials N, E, S, and W. East and west are perpendicular (at right angles) to north and south, with east being in the clockwise direction of rotation from north and west being directly opposite east. Points between the cardinal directions form the points of the compass. In navigating through cities in the world, including our own state of Florida, these age old directions make all the difference in the world when locating a destination. That destination can include someplace, like for instance, a Publix where you ordered some subs for lunch. In Palm Coast, Florida, their main road has an East and West side and the address of the locations on the road are very dependent upon being on the correct direction of the road. If you happen to call in your order for subs to the Publix on the east end of the road but neglect to punch the word East or letter E in front of the address, a GPS system may automatically pick the west end of the road, which may be a defunct gynecologists office. At this point a good assumption would be that something is up with the address rather than “It must have used to have been here” because a one story wood framed building most likely was never a Publix. If there happens to be a Publix just around the corner from the wrong address on the west end of the road, they won’t have your subs, because it has neither the right numeric address and is on the incorrect side of town. Because of that, they also still won’t have your subs when you insist you just called them and ordered them, in fact they won’t have any idea what you are talking about no matter how many times you insist you talked to them, because in fact, you didn't call them, you called the other Publix, but no matter. After several minutes of banter, the Publix employee may however realize, that you may have called in your order to the other Publix on the East end of the road, thus requiring an additional 15 minute drive to the other end the Palm Coast Parkway. Lesson learned, the East or the West don't miss the geography test. Secondary lesson, if you pay for the drinks and chips at the wrong Publix and then leave them in the car when going in to the right Publix, the second Publix won't give you combo deal without buying those items there.

Don't Yell At Kids With Carrots In Your Mouth When your chosen profession is to mold the minds of the leaders of tomorrow for the love and joy of educating children or maybe to have a job where you get 10 weeks to screw off and sleep in over the summer, you often spend a good deal of your time keeping kids in line. Part of keeping kids in line is yelling at kids for doing stupid stuff in the hallway when they should not be doing stupid stuff. If by chance you are eating a carrot and you spot someone doing something stupid and seize that exact moment to yell at the kid doing something stupid because it can't wait until you finish chewing and swallowing the said carrot, the carrot will most likely get caught in the wrong pipe as you yell at the kid. When that happens, you will start chocking on the carrot and then your body will start convulsing to dislodge the carrot. When the carrot becomes dislodged from the wrong pipe it may then be heaved into another incorrect place like an x-wing fighter squeezing into the canyon on the Death Star. The second incorrect location may be your nose, where the pressure of the convulsions and air coming from within your body will dislodge the carrot through your nose and then return your breathing to normal.

Speeding In The Hood Back in the day, a long time ago, in a neighborhood where we used to live not so far way, when Andrew was a kindergartner and Kathy was a stay at home CEO of Domestic Affairs, she would walk Andrew up the street to the bust stop every morning and meet him there to walk him home every afternoon. Kathy was convinced every car to pass them en route or at the bus stop were either speeding or driving like an idiot and destined to wipe them out. Kathy would yell at cars as they passed by like a grumpy old man. She looked into buying a radar gun to prove her point. She made calls to JSO and begged them to set up shop by the bus stop to ticket the alleged speeding cars. She combed the neighborhood on her bike looking for cars in driveways that she thought might have sped by her. She even would throw tennis balls at cars or roll basketballs into the street ahead of them to make them slam on their breaks and slow down. Kathy was a full blown advocate for traffic safety, whether the neighborhood needed it or not. Fast forward to the spring of 2018. Kathy’s now does a wonderful job shaping the minds of tomorrow’s leaders as a 5th grade teacher at Seabreeze Elementary. Her commute from our house is 0.4 miles. Most of the time she bikes to work, but every now and then she drives the rigorous 3 minute journey. One afternoon when she drove home, she quickly pulled the car into the garage, shut the door, and then went immediately one of the front windows and peered out the blinds. After some time passed, she remained gazing out the window, much like an Irish Pointer at a duck in the field, when I felt the need to ask the obvious question “What in hell are you looking at?”. Well she replied, that crazy B out there walking her dog followed me into school today and yelled at me about speeding in the neighborhood and now I am seeing if she is coming to yell at me again. I am hoping her dog poops in our yard and she doesn’t clean it up so I can go out there yell at her about that. Ironically Kathy saw no correlation to her years as a champion of yelling at people about speeding as any reason why this person could have had any leg to bring to Kathy's attention that she might have possibly been going 0 to 40 in the four one third of a mile segments between stop signs on the way to school.

Cats Don't Have Fillings For the special occasion of a playoff game, we go the way back machine, circa 1997. Having recently purchased our first home in Clovis, California, we felt the need to purchase a cat as well, because if you have a house, you need a cat I guess. Having no kids, a bunch of time on our hands, and no money due the recent purchase of a home, I decided to entertain myself and the cat by wrapping it’s feet in tin foil and performing some agility tests with it on the tile floor in the kitchen. Pretty fun stuff. Kathy came around the corner aghast in the rudimentary entertainment I had provided for myself. She exclaimed “You can’t do that, it will hurt it’s teeth”. Curious, I asked her how foil on a cats foot would hurt It’s teeth. She replied “You know, when you accidentally bite foil it hurts your mouth”. Well yes it would, if in fact the cat had fillings, then it would hurt indeed, however cat’s don’t have fillings.

Borrowing A Fake ID If you don't bring your driver's license to the Jaguars game, people won't sell you beer. They also won't "take your word for it" when they ask you for your ID and you tell them you are good. Then when you borrow your friends ID to use to buy a beer, like you did in college, it's good show to give it back to them, not leave it in your pocket to discover it as you are disrobing at 10:30pm and getting ready for bed.

Potporri
#1 - If you want to sell your car on Veterans Day when the DMV is closed, and have an electronic title which you need to get printed out to sign over to the person you are selling your car to, no matter how much you yell and cuss at everyone around you, and no matter how many people you call to ask how to get a title, you can't get one until the DMV opens the next day.
#2 - A McGriddle somehow tastes completely different than an Egg McMuffin, even though it's basically all the same stuff, and for some reason an Egg McMuffin is good but a McGriddle is "F'n Bull#hit!"

Electric Bike Shifters One of the many challenges with a road bike or a triathlon bike is learning what gear to be in during different situations. Starting, cruising, hills, etc. all have an optimal gear for peak performance. One of the new features available on bikes are electric shifters, which allow for a smoother and quicker transition between gears. It's a great thing to have and can help a rider out immensely getting in the right gear faster. There is one key to the whole thing going off without a hitch, though, and that is actually remembering to put the battery that controls the shifter on the bike. The battery does no good sitting in the garage while a cyclist shouts profanities at their bike trying to figure out why the Mother F'n bike wont change gears.

Sidewalk Jenga This is one of things that once you learn it once, should be all it takes to not happen again, however much like childbirth, many women have short memories of pain, so Kathy added another notch in the sidewalk sniper’s hit chart, taking a spill on the Osceola Ave sidewalk about 100 meters west of the Gate Station in Jax Beach. Unfortunately, it was misting outside and on this particular voyage from the upright running position to the horizontal Pete Rose style slide position, the standing moisture on the concrete led to a 10 meter slide for which the brunt was taken on the left knee. What was learned from this particular fall was that wet concrete reduces the friction, and a person’s knee can act like a snow ski in propelling them further than they care to go while in the process removing 4-inch diameter circle of skin from one’s leg. If anyone wants to make this a little more interesting, we can do a $1 a head entry on over or under the scab being gone before the last tailgate of the year.

Don't Erase the Cornhole Board Each week there is a Cornhole Tournament at the Cat Box and the following game we recap who won and track the Cornholer of the year. It's hard to do that though when Kathy erases the board before anyone has a chance to write down who run or take a picture of it

Opening Bands Aren't The Same As The Headliner Ok, well, this one is hard to figure, particularly since we have been to many concerts in our lives. However, recently we went to a lovely concert on a gorgeous evening at the new Daily’s Place Amphitheater. As with most concerts, people trickle in at various points around the announced starting time. We were no different, staying outside the seating area, enjoying food and beverages with friends. The music then began and the crowd began to assemble in their designated seats, as did we. After sitting through about three songs, Kathy mentioned she didn’t recognize anyone in the band. Several moments later she mentioned the stage looked kind of small and followed that up with the “I didn’t know they sang that song”. These three questions were all kind of shrugged off, however the song was very recognizable and the artist wasn’t a no name. A return question was submitted to Kathy inquiring “What are you talking about”. Well the band on stage was the opening band, not the headliner. So Kathy learned that the opening band is different from the main band, they have different songs, and play on a smaller stage. Having been to several concerts, not sure how this was lost, but it proved to be another good learning experience.

Crappy Contacts The first week back to work after a vacation can be tough, and teachers seem to take it harder than anyone having to sober up and go back to work after summers of drinking all night and sleeping all day for weeks on end. The second day of work for Kathy was particularly tough as she was having trouble reading or seeing anything she was looking at. Several times throughout the day she made comments on how bad her contact lenses sucked and that they had sent her garbage. The contacts in her opinion were such pieces of junk that she borrowed Matt's glasses to read a message on her phone that evening to enhance the viewing qualities of her contact lens. Later that evening, Kathy was performing her evening rituals and went to remove said self-proclaimed "crap contacts" from her eyeballs only to discover she never put them in.

Why Is My Leg Sore Part 1 - Your leg will hurt the day after you play foot golf for the first time. In particular it will hurt more than anyone else if you have the highest score and kicked the ball 82 times, which is about 56 more times than you have kicked a ball for the past 3 years combined.
Part 2 - I's a pain in the ass to get anyone to reserve a Lobster on Christmas Eve. Don't worry we got it figured out, but know that common sense isn't a trade possessed by many different purveyors of fresh live Seafood in the Bold City of the South, particularly for a Christmas Eve Pickup

Crowded Stadiums Short weeks between tailgates mean you got to learn something quick and you can always count on Kathy to get after it. In this weeks edition Kathy learned that when the Broncos come to town they bring a lot of people to the east upper deck and fill up what is usually a sparsely populated row of seats in 434. It turned out the Broncos fans like beer and food and as a result also became quick friends with trips to the bathroom. Kathy, firmly entrenched in her chairback three seats from the endcap, as is customary on Sunday afternoons, began to take exception to the numerous trips the Broncos faithful were making back and forth in Row K from mid section to the aisle adjoining 434 and 435. Not being used to what one might consider usual foot traffic for an NFL game due to the relatively unpopulated row as a result of about 5 wins in Everbank over the past 4 years, with about 8 minutes left to go in the 1st quarter, Kathy lost it, yelling "Oh My God, yall quit getting up and down and sit in your seats" to the astonishment of the Orange Crush fans. She went on to berate two Broncos fans walking up the stairs that they needed to go back down and around because their seats were closer to the other side and she was sick of getting up.

No Lights = No Game = Wrong Stadium If the Fletcher Soccer schedule lists the varsity boys game is listed on the schedule to be at Nease High School showing up at Ponte Vedra High School and wondering why the lights aren't on and getting mad because the game must have been cancelled and assuming nobody told you isn't going to change the fact that the game is in fact still at Nease High School. If the games at Nease it helps to actually go to Nease to see the game.

Giant Bird Turd
Matt - Hey Kathy, how was your day?
Kathy - Fine
Matt - So when did you hit the the pallet full of open buckets of flat white ceiling paint with the entire front of the van?
Kathy - What? Oh, the white stuff all over my car? Well you see I was driving on JTB and a big old bird took a dump. I saw it happening in the distance. It happened a day or two ago.
Moral Of The Story #1 - When driving over the JTB Bridge and seeing a giant prehistoric sized bird of some sort sitting on a light pole voiding its bowels of weeks worth of food falling from the sky, and having enough time to process the situation, it may be a good idea to hit the brakes or change lanes.
Moral Of The Story #2 - If you do find yourself in this situation and can't seem to remember Moral Of The Story #1, the next place to go might be a car wash vs. the garage for a day or two.

If You Order Food, You Are Expected To Pick It Up On a recent, not too distant Friday evening, a few of the finest educators the First Coast has to offer blew out of Seabreeze Elemenentary with the sun still high in the sky after a long hard day of work and found themselves at the Really Good Beer Stop. Like the sands of the hour glass, the beers continued to empty one after one and the day began to disappear to darkness. Realizing several hours and more beers had gone by in an instant, Kathy ordered herself some takeout dinner from Milanos. After ordering her said dinner, she also sat back back down and ordered another (or three) beers. Fast forward a blink of an eye (or another 90 minutes) and Kathy learned when you order food from Milanos but elect to sit back and throw more hops down the gullet, the good people of Milanos want to go home not wait on you to finish chugging beers and will start calling you to look for you and kindly ask you to come and pick up your food.

Moron Proof Diesel Pumps Back by popular demand for the rest of the season is the ever educational and all encompassing, What Did Kathy Learn. After a recent trip to the gas station, Kathy came home and said "Wow, its a good thing that the Diesel pump nozzles are bigger and don't fit in the mini van".